Veins
i am something to be noticed; i will not be cast aside
look at me beat a flushing purple and pulsing smirk
feel me fever-cold and waiting
i'm no china doll, dust won't settle, dulled, over my veinless skin
crack my skull, surprised, there's no powdered plaster inside
eyes of clouded glass
lashes spiders with tangled legs
ah and so i'm still here
alive
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i kill my hopes before they have a chance to form
i drive and drive and drive myself to insanity
i read the obituaries with my Kix
i play the "look at me, i'm a movie star" game in front of my bedroom mirror
i touch warm skin and dark hair with cold hands
i learn after it's much too late
i said i never knew what i wanted. i lied.
i have a scab that i can't stop picking
i want...i know what i want...
i wait with the impatience of a child
i need...what do i need?
i die when god wants me
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getting by
blood on her teeth brightens her smile
tylenol pm on the nightstand followed by ortho tri cyclen and ginger ale
why cant she see that persons face when she still feels the eyes, like slits, at her back?
the view from here is lonely and her hands are just as empty
she'll get by with sugar coated bananas in her frosted flakes
she takes an exacto blade to a white pale calf only after dipping it in alcohol
she watches the cotton ball turn crimson then rust
bruised pelvic bone and hair hanging over the headboard
she could bring herself to fuck a girl if only angelina jolie were around
instead she rereads catcher in the rye, holden is looking better and better all the time
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sucha girl
blood and bruises so fading and impermanent
she needs something that will stay forever stubborn and real
a mascared eyelash on the pillow leaves a smudge behind
i wont i wont i wont... "will you?" ok if its what you want...
love me love me love me please oh god i need space i need out
feel her hair limp and dry feel her between the legs pulsing and swollen
after she cant bring herself to cry and sleeps in a ball curled against the wall
you smile in your sleep as she watches, propped on her elbow and holding her breath
should she spill should she spill no no she doesnt want it known that she spends her time thinking of such things
things like i need to know you care i dont want love i dont need perfect love i just need to know you care
such a girl such a girl just another emotional wreck of a girl
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overseduction
red walls
dark brows stretched taut across tile skin
chest bones pointed;
close to piercing through flesh
wry smile
fading freckles and too dark of lipstick
shining cheekbones
slack mouth and black lace
oily fingertips
impulsive hands
seeking lips
overeager tongue
moon across pillow
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Jaded
At the surface
Seemingly innocent as ever...
Scratch me deeper with a ridged coin
Peel back folds of skin
You'll find i no longer have a virgin state of mind-
Flawed...
Yet uncorrupted
Is it possible to be an impure virgin?
Jaded...
Tongue untied.
See me now-
I look the same
Childish and sweet
But changed.
my tongue slipped through a halo
my mouth opens
and you love the
Shocked contradiction.
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Tear salt/stretched tight, cold/but feeling
Squeezing out a pearl/press it to liquid/lap it up
Phone warm from breath/not speaking//just listening/just waiting/for answer/though you don't want to hear it/when it comes
Black ink/thin and streaked/won't wash off/just a stain
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Orange and red/my skin glows/my reflection in the window/appears content
Closing my eyes/sleep so overrated/the clock is running too quickly/morning too soon
Dirty hair/between my fingers/cut on my thumb/so tenderly wrapped
I breathe in/so strong/breathe out/my body trembles/at night/ in bed/ alone
Burrowed brow/tightened feet/balled fists/crumpled mouth
you cant reach me/no wind/no rain/no drink from the sky
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i am ever faltering, ever second guessing.
i hurt with only a dull ache
i love obsessively
i hate too many things
i cry often enough.
i fear nightmares you can't awake from.
i hope tomorrow will always be better than today
i feel alone at this minute.
i waste emotions on people i shouldn't bother with
i talk sometimes without remembering to bite my tongue until it bleeds
i listen when no one thinks i'm there
i break people's hearts, then my own
i see a blank pad of paper and a too sharpened pencil
i smell winter coming
i taste dry lips
i work on things that will never be
i rememberthe first time you walked into the room and then when you left it
i hold someone's unwilling hand.
i hide in a place where i won't be found
i pray to a god that i'm not sure exists
i walk with blistered heels and breathless lungs
i ride an imaginary horse with a tangled mane
i burn paper with marker scribblings under a candle's flame
i breathe deeply and with effort
i play mind games, mainly with myself
i miss the people who fade
i learned how to ride the wave.
i feel things that aren't returned.
i know i will be alright.
i dream dreams where i awake in tears and a smile
i have a cut on my palm, above my wrist. i don't remember when i put it there.
i want something unconditional and true
i fall and wait before standing again
i await something...any minute now...it'll be here.
i live too recklessly and caution others too much
i die a little every day
i'm listening to the emptiness of a basement past midnight
i'm feeling tired and alert
i'm thinking about nonsense that i won't remember tomorrow
my hair is a fading red
my makeup is applied with a shaky hand
my dream will be of my creation.
my obsession is worthy
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Cold
I lay quiet
My lashes heavy.
I lay here
While the light flickers across my eyes
And the silence is thick.
I lay here
And a cold finger touches my heart
These tainted thorns dig themselves
Into my closed palms
These sacred petals
Untouched
Are against my lips.
A phantoms breath
Steals away my soul,
My body stirs
And I am cold.
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Be Warned
You don't know how I can be
You don't know that look in my eyes
You don't know those stubborn lines around my mouth;
Don't know how I've gasped for breath
You don't know what those around me say.
You haven't seen me crying with my forehead against the wall
You haven't seen me laugh out of pure spite
You haven't seen the scars I've left
You haven't seen me helpless and utterly dependent;
Without even my attitude intact;
Haven't seen me reaching for people that weren't there.
You don't know that side
The side that disintegrates like an ash being touched
The side that is so passionate it hurts
The side so mixed up I don't know where I stand
Where all the ceiling does is spin.
Which way is up
Which way is down
You don't know what you're getting yourself into.
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Envy
Diamonds drip
From her thighs
Glass is scratched
With nothing even touching its surface
The air is cold
And even her breath is shallow.
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Magnetism
Ink black eyes
Against that dramatically pale face
Eyes that seem too big to fit
But strangely draw you in
The cigarette held to his lips
Between those rough fingers
Smoke exhales into the iced air
A strangely sensual gesture
The crinkled lines around his mouth
Frames that broad grin;
But knowing there's something more
Something lurking behind those eyes
Something all too real.
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numb
windblown petals
scatter in a fury-
bloodied wax
drips and hardens
on a cool surface.
time ticks
from seconds to days
years to decades.
hands tossed in the air
arms outstretched
hair swaying in a dervish current
lips part
contagious laughter
lost in the wind.
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Tormentor
Here I vanish
Light leaves
Sudden darkness
You empty dream;
Let me lie.
you don't get the words i write but listen politely
you've never seen me naked but when you leave i shut the door and peform for my mirror
how can you all walk in those high heels when my converses give me blisters?
why'd you wake me up this morning but refuse to talk this afternoon when i was awake?
i dont want perfection when its your flaws that get me going
i don't mind your temper when your scars turn me on
12-13-02
slow degradation
i am from wrinkled construction paper and minty paste
i am from scabbed knees and splintered heels
i am from christmas mass and communion wafers
dissolving on the overhopeful pure tongue
i am from a house with thin walls and an even thinner skin
i am from blue kool-aid and black licorice
i am from DARE meetings and abstinence speeches
i was on the honor roll and sat on a bench in the pysch ward
staring at the aquarium across the hall
i was a peer role model who smoked a joint after lecturing
i fell asleep to classical music and awoke in someones bare arms in tears
intoxicated i wandered to the roofs edge
but pulled back and laughed
to no one in particular
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dream life
pillow sweat soaked and cold feet
wet clay smoothed over skin and record needles skip
ghosts dressed in their best walk down your old neighborhood
the paint hadn't yet begun to chip
falling elevators without walls and drowning in ice
a horse is spooked its eyes grow white and then glow green
animal shaped shadows circle the pale blue walls
marching mens feet move on the wallpaper
kids fall asleep and wake up dead in their beds
still covered with carefully stitched quilts
nightlights still humming
standing still on carpet neon fish swim around your ankles
I lean in to kissmy lips are swollen
You turn into someone else and your taste is not familiar
The new person laughs and his smile is cute
i blush and shut the underwear drawer
my fishnets are peeking out
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Residual Ghost
you saw
through me
my attempted cuteness
and oh so complicated mind
you saw
only what I tried so hard to hide
you saw
through me
leaving only a fake ghost
pomegranate hair dye
flirty underwear
and ripened splotches
of skin
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Dulled
scared to fall for it
something is all too familiar here
left hollow and paling
wanting and wanting
waiting
hiding hiding
duller and duller
to you
its only mysterious
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faster faster faster
annnnd...now.
bite your lip
i've been sitting out in the sun too long
my red strands glow like a cigarette lighter
burning the hands that rest on my head
heal, heal...calming words
you see more than i ever wanted you to know
stitch it back up inside
new and virgin again
you only smile at my strangest habits
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make me want to hate you
use and abuse me
until i don't want you anymore
stop smiling in your sleep
and stop running your fingers down my side
if you don't want me
then why won't you let me go?
i bought a pack of cigarettes today
and i don't even smoke
you know...the imprint of your mouth
on my skin
hasn't even begun to fade
i didn't smoke a single one
i smelled them
and wondered if anyone else noticed
that they stink of
raisins and drying honey
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i go to bed
my dreams larger than life
i wake
already with a headache
and hope the clock is wrong
the metro is a sauna
outside it is snowing
and the boy across the aisle
is wearing eyeliner
an intense stare
and a Spongebob sticker.
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Still alive
a star falls from her hair, landing in the snow and melting
she crunches the stubborn glow that remains with the heel of her boot
she's surprised at the stunned stain it leaves behind
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So selfish
i want you to notice me and the way my body moves
i want you to watch my hips when i walk up the stairs to your room
i dont want anyone elses image in your head when you reach for me
i want you to want what i want even when i don't know what that is
i want you to want me even when i'm done with you
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